i was talking to some people in my family today about what they gave up for lent (something i used to do... it was always said that since jesus gave up his life we should give something up... but he suffered on a cross and died... i don't think giving up soda for 40 days really compares) - during this dicussion today, my sister joked that i had given up church for lent.  upon refelection i realized that this wasn't that funny and that she was correct.  before this morning i haven't been to church in more than 40 days... i have been sick, out of town, too tired, unmotivated, bitter, feeling guilty... after going this morning i realized that i really miss it.
i miss the music, people caring about me (yes i have family and a couple friends that do... but most of my days are spent with selfish people i work with and drunks), the words that have spoken to my heart so many times, encouraging words (instead of nasty emails from my boss and gossip), accountability, 'family', hugs... 'church' - not the building or the service... but the body of christ... i have been missing that... 

my attitude has been selfish and uninspired... my spirit broken...
but there is hope... somewhere... i think i have seen a little bit of it...  

it's still a mystery to me
     that the hands of god could be so small
how tiny fingers reaching in the night
     were the very hands that measured the sky 

hallelujah
     hallelujah
heaven's love reaching down to save the world
     hallelujah
hallelujah
     son of god, servant king- here with us
you're here with us

still a mystery to me
     how his infant eyes had seen the dawn of time
how his ears had heard an angels' symphony
      but still mary had to rock her savior to sleep

hallelujah
     hallelujah
heaven's love reaching down to save the world
     hallelujah
hallelujah
     son of god, servant king- here with us
you're here with us

jesus the christ... born in bethleham 
     a baby born to save...to save the souls of man

oh, hallelujah
     hallelujah
heaven's love reaching down to save the world
     hallelujah
hallelujah
     son of god, servant king- here with us
you're here with us

-- this song was sung tonight by a good friend of mine... it really made me think about how amazing christ really is.  the creator of the world... a baby... my perspective has been way off lately... praying that my heart will start looking the right way... how could it not with an amazing god?!?

...the winter is past;  the rains are over and gone. flowers appear on the earth;  the season of singing has come.....  - song of solomon 2:11-12

god is faithful, although i don't deserve it, and never have, he loves me with a love that i can't understand and shows it to me as it brings me through valleys and over mountains. the winter - silence, solitude, cold, empty - has past. he has been whispering to me, by my side holding me in his arms and filling me with his spirit. the rains - of emotions, questions, doubts, and hurt - are over and gone - he has comforted me, been the answer, has revealed himself, and has healed wounds. the flowers have appeared - he has brought me to a place where i can use the wounds that he has healed into scars so i can see his faithfulness after i've finally surrendered to him and has reminded me of the song i have to sing to point others to the love that i have experienced.......the sacrificial love that was shown when life was given up.......and the love that has never failed.........

sometimes i don't realize how much i miss things or people or situations or places until i have them back or i see them again or i am in it or i am there...

memories are wonderful... but living in the moment with what and who i love is amazing...